of guilt and grief

Ahhh last night sucked. I lay in bed trying to go to sleep but unable to so I start thinking about my grandma. Then I think about how I felt like I let her down and all that because the night before she died I felt like I needed to go see her when I got off of work. But dummy me didn't want to do it so I came home and went to sleep...only to wake up later with that same feeling. Still ignored it and fell back asleep. I finally got up around 8am to realize that everyone in my house is gone and I knew exactly where they were (even though they didn't leave a note or anything). So I went straight to the nursing home that my grandma was in and I could tell she was suffering as soon as I walked in the door. She was dying. Part of me wonders if I had gone when the urge first hit me the night before if she wouldn't have been coherent enough to talk to me a little bit more before she started to go downhill. But now I will never know and I am forever beating myself up about it. I just feel so guilty. It's been 2 and a half years since then....but I still feel like I let her down in a real big way and I wish I could do something to fix it. If I could turn back time I would go back to that night and go when the urge first hit me. But I just didn't really want to see her die. I had told my mom I didn't want to be there when she did go, that's why they didn't wake me up or anything when they went to see her. But I guess someone had a different plan. I went in that room and knew she wasn't gonna last much longer...then I felt like the only reason I was there was to release her. That was the hardest thing for me to do. I finally did it near the end by telling her that I loved her and we would see her in heaven...not 2 seconds after I said that she went. But still to this day I feel so bad for not going when I needed to. Mebbe she had something she wanted to tell me before I went, I just don't know. And now I will never know. I know she loved me and I really wish that I didn't feel so guilty about this. I loved her very much too. She was the only one in my family after my dad died who could truly understand me. Her and I were like two peas in a pod..lol. So many if onlies and what ifs....and no answers to either. I hate myself for what I have done. I feel like I let the one person down who would do anything for me. If I wasn't so damned pigheaded would I have been able to talk to her one last time before she went? I dunno, I just...don't...know....:-(